Jan 28

King Of Books

I don’t think I’m alone in observing this. In pursuit of quick payoffs and the easy profits so beloved of middle management, the publishing industry has in recent years contrived to devalue one of its most worthy genres. Once upon a time the celebrity autobiography was a lovingly crafted work, written (or ghosted) by someone at the end of a long and distinguished career and crammed not only with insights into the most famous moments of their life’s work, but also offering an explanation of how they grew to be the person they are and what hurdles they overcome along the way. Now all too often the shelves of what is left of the bookselling market are crammed with lightweight tomes from barely-famous starlets barely out of their teens. These aren’t books that teach us about the individual but merely attempts to frantically cash in on a name before the inevitably transient nature of their celebrity passes them by.

This does mean that the few celebrity autobiographies that are truly worthwhile are the ones most deserving of appreciation. Particularly as in this particular case, the best life story you will read all year is one you might not even realise exists thanks in part to a de-facto media blackout. Imagine if you had a story to tell, a lifetime of experience and influence to impart and yet due to circumstances beyond your control your reputation had taken the worst kind of public battering. What happens if you are about to tell the full, unexpurgated version of your life story with no holding back or skimping on details and had absolutely nothing to lose by doing so?

Jonathan King - 65 My Life So Far

Welcome then to “65 – My Life So Far” by pop star, label boss, impresario, presenter, producer, consultant, legend and (according to the popular press) vile pervert Jonathan King. He acknowledges at the start that had he not experienced the dramatic fall from grace he suffered at the start of the decade, he might well have written a very different book, one that was slightly more circumspect and which glossed over details – if nothing else for the sake of propriety. With that restriction removed he is left with the freedom to tell the absolute truth, in all its sticky details.

Thus the first part of his story is taken up with what Frank Skinner once memorably described as the “hurry up and get famous you bastard” years, detailing the early life of the young King as he progressed through the public school system of the 1950s. It is as much a tale of sexual awakenings as it is of personal development as friends, classmates and comrades (but thankfully no Masters) all learn together the meaning of their erections and what they can achieve with them. Of course there is more to it than just wanking games – hearing described in detail the moment anyone discovers their lifelong love of music is always worthwhile – but by the time he takes A-Levels you are left feeling flushed and abashed, King taking an almost childish glee in documenting the details of horny adolescence that we all experienced but never imagined we would hear discussed in such detail. Through it all there is a serious point to be made, his sexual tastes having been dissected and scrutinised in court and demonised by the press, he simply feels entitled to explain their origins.

Once school (and a tantalisingly brief university career) is out of the way, the book moves on to King’s years as a celebrity and it is here that the rollercoaster ride truly begins. All too conveniently forgotten is the fact that Jonathan King over a 35 year period found himself at the heart of popular culture, and every single episode of his career is documented with pride. Whether it was through making his own records, discovering and signing acts such as The Bay City Rollers, Genesis and 10cc, presenting on television and radio or rescuing both the Brit awards and the Eurovision Song Contest from the doldrums, Jonathan King has not only been there, done that and worn the t-shirt but as it turns out the branded clothing was his idea in the first place. There are no bold and exaggerated claims made here – just about everything you have reason to doubt is backed up with press clippings and memorabilia.

The narrative is peppered throughout with appearances by the great and the good of the music and entertainment business with the odd scandalous revelation along the way. Some are anonymous, some are not, King careful to note the privacy of those still alive to regret their past behaviours. That said I am sure the world is a better place for knowing it was George Harrison who punched one particularly abusive fan in the face when she turned up on his doorstep and thus made himself a hero amongst the other celebrities of the time who had taken the full brunt of her fury. As a man who found himself falling in love with Sandie Shaw in the 1960s, Jonathan King is certainly far from unique – and indeed those who have formed their view of the man based solely on what the newspapers have chosen to write about him recently may even be taken aback slightly by the large number of adult heterosexual encounters and relationships documented here. Even taken on its own as a set of celebrity memoirs, this section of the book would make for a truly essential publication in its own right.

The most astonishing revelations of all are held back for the final chapters of “65”, recounting as they do the events from the day in November 2000 when the police knocked on King’s door and announced they were investigating allegations of sexual assault. What follows is an account of the investigation, the subsequent trial, King’s conviction and imprisonment and his subsequent release and the ongoing battle to clear his name. Along the way there are breathtaking tales of police incompetence, coaching of witnesses and the British legal system’s own cavalier disregard for some of the principles of natural justice even the most naive observer would assume to be taken as read. Throughout the tale there isn’t a single moment of self pity by the author – he is at pains to point out that throughout his youth both he and his friends engaged in activities which were technically illegal back then – but you cannot help but share his frustration at the way his life and reputation were disrupted by what he demonstrates were the allegations of an fantasist, allegations which in turn prompted other glory seekers to emerge from the woodwork and spin their own tales of “abuse” in the hope of a compensatory payoff. The book even has its own Shawshank Redemption moment when a witness comes forward with a testimony to prove that the allegations against King were all false, only to withdraw co-operation when the time came to swear a statement.

This isn’t an impartial book review, nor is it intended to be. Jonathan King is a man I’m very privileged to be able to regard as a valued contact and a friend. Nonetheless even friends can be critics of each other’s work, and “65 – My Life So Far” ranks alongside works by Bob Monkhouse and Frank Skinner as one of the most essential and fascinating autobiographies I have ever read.

Naturally you will struggle to find it in bookshops, although I often amuse myself by asking for it anyway and berating the assistants when they confess they don’t have it in stock (when I’m not taking 9/11 conspiracy books and helpfully re-filing them under ‘Fiction’, naturally). Order it directly from Amazon instead and treat yourself to a true tale of a life well lived and a story that finally deserves to be told.

Oh, and if you are still disturbed by the notion of appreciating the work of a (wrongly) convicted sex offender, consider my own favourite quote from the book, uttered in King’s London apartment by Jimi Hendrix as he contemplated his oozing and infected genitalia:

“Christ, she can’t have been more than 14 years old! What is the matter with fans these days?”

Bill Wyman would be proud of him.

Jan 21

Brits Nominations 2010

It is new year, so it must be awards season again. This incidentally accounts for my post-holiday silence as in my proper job I’m suddenly snowed under with a mountain of work connected with the annual fruitless task of competing with the BBCs bottomless resources and compiling entries for the Sony Radio Awards. Back in the real world however, music fans are clearing the fog from their minds and working out if they have a reason to care about the Brit awards, nominations for which were announced this week.

Each year the only category that mildly sparks my interest is the vote for Best British single, one of the few awards that is actually based on public opinion rather than a shadowy academy of judges. As in the last few years the long-list of nominations is to be gradually whittled down to a final winner thanks to the votes of “listeners to commercial radio”, or at least the ones that have chosen to participate in the promotion. So if you do have a mind to pick up the phone and choose the song which you think was the least forgettable single of the last 12 months, these are the select few from which you can make your choice:

Alesha Dixon – Breathe Slow

Top 3 back in February 2009 if your memory is slipping, this was the follow up to ‘The Boy Does Nothing’ and scored points with many people for not being quite as annoying as its predecessor. It is pretty enough, very well produced and movingly sung by the pop star/dancing judge/whatever who shows on this single that maybe, just maybe, she has the talent to back up her personal high profile. An award winner as the best single of the year though? I’m not so sure about that. The bookmakers agree, ranking her as the 50/1 outsider.

Alexandra Burke featuring Flo Rida – Bad Boys

Here is an interesting one, does the presence of an American guest star still make a record eligible as “British”? Apparently it does. This is actually Alexandra’s second nomination in a row (see below) albeit with a single that is actually far worthier of the accolade than her previous gong-eligible track. Not a bad choice for a nomination but I can’t help but think that the still obviously manufactured nature of her stardom will count against her, even for an award voted for by the Heart FM listening public. A 10/1 shot.

Cheryl Cole – Fight For This Love

Credentials: one of the fastest selling “ordinary” singles of 2009 and the track that more than lived up to the hype it received thanks to the endless amount of free promotion the singer and her record received thank to X Factor. By definition however it is not the best single of the year as I think there isn’t a single person on the Brits committee that would be able to keep a straight face at the prospect of Biffa Tweedy winning an award for her singing. Worryingly Paddy Power have her as the 5/4 favourite. I can only hope they are guessing.

Joe McElderry – The Climb

Oh dear, really? Yes, sadly as there seems to be some rule that says the X Factor winners single has to be nominated for a Brit award automatically just a few weeks after it was on the charts. It happened to Alexandra Burke last year and so here comes Geordie Joe – in line for one of the most prestigious honours the industry can bestow thanks to half an hour in the studio singing a song that four other people did in the same session and which was originally meant for an American star who is even younger than he is. Look, we all know this isn’t going to win. ‘Hallelujah’ got eliminated after the first round last year and there is no reason to believe this single won’t suffer the same fate either. He’s 25/1 at the bookies for heaven’s sake.

JLS – Beat Again

I’ll be honest, I still don’t really get the appeal of the whole JLS project although I will readily admit my perspective is clouded by having spent the whole of November and December 2008 shouting at them on TV for their inability to sing in tune. Spruced up and properly trained they have somehow become the teen favourites of choice with some unobjectionable pop songs handed to them. They may leave me cold but it is hard to knock success. The bookies have them at 5/4 joint favourites and although they are certain to remain in contention come the final round of voting there are surely far worthier recipients of the trophy.

La Roux – In For The Kill

Take this one for example. Never a Number One but one of the biggest sellers of the year as it simply sold and sold and sold throughout 2009. My honest opinion: ‘Bulletproof’ was less whiny and the better single overall, even if it was a straight retreat of every song Vince Clarke had ever written but as one of the defining moments of 2009 and a true reflection of the popular culture of the year, ‘In For The Kill’ surely has to stand a chance. Bookies have it at 7/1 which to me looks incredibly good value.

Lily Allen – The Fear

Then again we have to bear in mind who is voting – listener to commercial radio. And what just happened to be the most played song of 2009 on the radio? Step forward Miss Allen, your time has come. Lily has been nominated before, having been eliminated in the second round back in 2007. This time around she has a more mature, more rounded and if anything far more critically acclaimed Number One single to compete with. I’m not completely convinced she stands a chance of winning outright, but ‘The Fear’ deserves to be one of the last surviving nominees. She’s priced at 10/1.

Pixie Lott – Mama Do

Now if this was being voted for by the industry itself then Pixie Lott would probably run away with it given her status as one of 2009s big promotional priorities and the way she rewarded that faith with two smash hit singles. As for a public vote, well at the risk of being accused of sitting on the fence, this could go either way really. ‘Mama Do’ was sultry and soulful and an easy Number One but – and I hate to say this – a long way from being one of the best records of the year all things considered. She’s way out at 14/1 in the betting. If she is truly a contender it will be something of a shock.

Taio Cruz – Break Your Heart
Tinchy Stryder featuring N-Dubz – Number 1

Bracketing these last two together as to all intents and purposes they are the joint representatives of the UK R&B sound that was one of the defining sounds of last summer. The careers of the two men are pretty much intertwined already thanks to Cruz’ guest slot on Stryder’s debut single a year ago and indeed given that Taio Cruz has contributed to both Cheryl Cole’s and JLS’ albums his influence over the acts who have been chosen as the most successful of the year is there for all to see. On that basis alone ‘Break Your Heart’ deserves the gong pretty much by default, especially given his surprising lack of nominations in any other area. Cruz is way out at 20/1 in the betting which surely has to be worth a flutter. As for Tinchy Stryder, somehow given the alarming propensity for his guest stars N-Dubz to make twats of themselves, I can’t see it being his year. He’s way out at 25/1.

Conclusion then – hedge your bets between La Roux and Taio Cruz and hope that common sense wins out. Voting proper opens next Monday at the official Brits site, and I’m sure radio stations up and down the country will be pushing the numbers with vigour. I’m sure few people reading this will be unfamiliar with any of the songs listed above, but just for completeness there is a We7 playlist of them all. I’d embed it here, but their widget never seems to work on this site :(

Dec 24

Christmas 1995 Pops – Part 4

Also in the news in December 1995 – well quite a bit actually. Jack Charlton quit as manager of the Republic Of Ireland following their failure to qualify for Euro 96, Conservative MP David Ashby lost a libel claim against the Sunday Times which had accused him of sharing a bed with a male friend during an Indian holiday (truly they were very different times), two people who threatened to release mice in the Harrods food hall were charged with blackmail, the government majority shrank to just 3, and new Labour leader Tony Blair announced that if elected he would revamp Prime Ministers Question Time and introduced elected city mayors. Plus the European Community finally announced they had worked out what their new currency would be called –The Euro.

On the Christmas chart we’ve reached the Top 10, and in all the time I’ve been writing these retrospectives I don’t think there has ever been one quite so crammed with classics.

10: Eternal – I Am Blessed

First to Eternal and their ever-shrinking lineup – and you thought the Destiny’s Child personnel history was confusing. Having ditched Louise Nurding/Redknapp in the spring of 1995, Dennis Ingoldsby’s finest creation pressed ahead with the release of their second album as a trio. The title track from ‘Power Of A Woman’ became its first hit, going Top 5 in late October and it was followed for the holiday season by ‘I Am Blessed’ As a Top 10 hit for Christmas it is hard to knock the track too much but opinions by and large are divided between those who compare the powerful ballad and the strength of the trio’s voices with the best of Whitney Houston and people like me who find it just the wrong side of whiny and annoying. Never mind, this was nailed on popular UK originated R&B from the group who, whatever their complicated and rather catty history together, made some of the best pop and soul records of the 1990s. I still retain rather a soft spot for them. But maybe not this track so much.

9: Robson and Jerome – I Believe/Up On The Roof

Unlikely performance of old song is received with raptures by the public. Label impressario signs the singer(s) up and sells millions of records with the simple concept of old songs remade in a Granny friendly style. Sound familiar? Well guess what, Simon Cowell didn’t need to search too hard for the inspiration of how to package Susan Boyle. 14 years earlier he had done it all before with two TV actors.

Robson Green and Jerome Flynn were at the start of 1995 starring in the TV series “Soldier Soldier” and were part of a storyline which culminated in the duo having to team up and perform ‘Unchained Melody’. After the episode aired, ITV were inundated with requests from people wanting to buy the song, but at the time such 360-degree thinking was alien to most broadcasters and they had nothing of that nature prepared.

Opinion differs depending on who you talk to just who it was that suggested that the pair might make a useful set of recording stars, but it was a certain BMG records A&R man called Simon Cowell who pursued the pair relentlessly and eventually overcame their reluctance to ink a deal and release the record for real. With immaculate timing their double single featuring ‘Unchained Melody’ on one side and ‘White Cliffs Of Dover’ on the other was released just in time for the 50th anniversary of VE day. When the early sales figures came in, jaws hit the floor all round. Robson and Jerome sold 314,000 copies in their first week, a further 460,000 in the second when production was ramped up to meet demand and another 320,000 in week 3 to land themselves one of the fastest million sellers of all time. By the time it had finished the single had sold a staggering 1.8million copies, enough to place it amongst the ten biggest sellers of all time, a place it retains to this day (it is currently in ninth place). It was all the more extraordinary considering that their take on ‘Unchained Melody’ was a more or less note for note remake of the Righteous Brothers version which had famously made Number One four and half years earlier.

Needless to say an album of similarly smoothly done covers followed and with an end of year follow up single prepared for release. Their second offering was another double header, coupling the old Drifters song ‘Up On The Roof’ with a new version of ‘I Believe’, thus introducing a whole new generation for the very first time to the song that famously spent more weeks at Number One than any other thanks to Frankie Laine a full 40 years earlier. Another instant Number One ensued, with their second single also racing neatly past a million sales, this track currently the 72nd biggest seller of all time. When the end of year tally was in, Robson and Jerome had both the first and the third biggest sellers of the year. The duo released one further album in 1996 before feeling they had milked the concept as far as they could and returned to acting. Meanwhile the man who signed them, released their record and (some say) saved his job by earning millions for his bosses had made a very important discovery. Nobody ever went broke heading straight down the middle of the road.

8: The Beatles – Free As A Bird

Truly it was an historic era. 1989 – Berlin wall comes down. 1990 – German reunification. 1995 – Beatles reunite. The occasion that saw McCartney, Starr and Harrison beaming from the cover of Q Magazine proclaiming “We love each other!” was the release of Anthology, a TV series documenting their career from start to finish and which was accompanied by three new albums of rarities, alternate versions and esoterica. As a final bit of fairy dust, the surviving trio recorded their first new songs for 25 years, all thanks to some old tapes supplied by Yoko Ono which featured some unfinished songs by the one man who wasn’t able to participate in the reunion. Lennon’s 1977 tape of the half-written ‘Free As A Bird’ had been in widespread circulation as a bootleg for some time, but with Jeff Lynne on production duties the group refined it and polished it for release as their grand reunion single.

Needless to say anticipation for the new track was intense, and the prospect that upon release it would shoot to the top of the charts and give them a record breaking 18th Number One hit was nothing less than mouth-watering. When premiered by Radio One at the crack of dawn on November 20th 1995 the reaction was ever so slightly muted. Whilst nobody could really say just what they were expecting from this first Beatles record in a generation, I don’t think anyone was quite anticipating what they heard. ‘Free As A Bird’ was nothing like the Beatles of the 1960s, but then again it wasn’t recorded by them and in truth needed to be judged on those terms. Released at the start of December, the single flew out of the shops and charted… at Number 2, beaten to the top ironically by the man who owned the rights to all their previous material. Unable to go down in history as a famous new Number One, ‘Free As A Bird’ now exists as a curiosity and along with its follow-up ‘Real Love’ just a minor modern day footnote in the story of one of the most famous pop groups of all time.

Online streaming? Well of course not, this is The Beatles and they don’t do digital, not yet. Thankfully the video, featuring an almost frame by frame reference to just about any Beatles track you care to name, is in wide circulation.

7: Oasis – Wonderwall

Easily one of the Gallagher brothers’ finest tracks and one of their most famous moments on record, this Number 2 hit taken from the seminal ‘(What’s The Story) Morning Glory?’ album requires little introduction here. The song penned by Noel as a tribute to his then girlfriend Meg Matthews may well have wound up stuck at Number 2 behind Robson and Jerome but it still finished 1995 with over 650,000 copies sold as the 10th biggest seller of the year and in the years since has shifted enough units to become a million seller and at the time of writing the 67th biggest seller of all time in the UK.

‘Wonderwall’ is also worth noting as possibly one of the best CD singles of all time, dating from an era when the chart rules allowed up to four different tracks on chart eligible releases. Hence following the title track we have the uplifting Blues stomp ‘Round Are Way’, recorded for the soundtrack of the film “A Life Less Ordinary” and in its own right a classic Oasis track. Studio warmup ‘Swamp Song’ you can take or leave, but it is notable for a cameo appearance from Paul Weller who plays guitar and harmonica on the instrumental. The CD then finishes with ‘The Masterplan’, consistently voted one of the best b-sides of all time, one of the best Oasis songs of all time and notoriously the source of several rows amongst the bad over just why it hadn’t wound up on the album and was just a b-side. “I don’t write shit songs bro” was Noel’s elegant putdown of this criticism – or at least so the legend has it. Either way, Liam to this day regrets that he didn’t sing on the song and Noel himself admits his best song ever was the hit single that never happened.

I’d love to share as many of the tracks as possible here, but Oasis tracks are some of the more notorious absences from the online streaming services although luckily ‘Wonderwall’ sneaks under the wire on We7 and is linked to above (no sign of it on Spotify sadly). Fortunately a video was made for ‘The Masterplan’ in 2006 to promote the ‘Stop The Clocks’ compilation and although just about every music fan reading this surely knows the song already it would be wrong to pass up the chance to include it here.

6: Coolio featuring LV – Gangsta’s Paradise

There are just a handful of rap records amongst the list of the UK’s all time biggest sellers, and this just happens to be one of them. Recorded for the soundtrack of the Michelle Pfeiffer film ‘Dangerous Minds’, this hypnotic fusion of gangsta rap and the melody from an old Stevie Wonder song somehow transcended all previous genre boundaries and became a huge mainstream hit on both sides of the Atlantic. In Britain ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’ was only Number One for a fortnight, but this is one of those occasions when appearances can be deceiving. Despite being toppled by the Robson and Jerome record, the Coolio track simply locked in place and kept on selling hundreds of thousands of copies a week. By the end of the year it had edged past a million copies – the first ever rap single to do so incidentally – and was the year’s second biggest seller behind ‘Unchained Melody’. Accounts differ as to exactly how many copies it has sold to date (there has been some downward adjustment of some mid-90s figures for reasons that the OCC has never quite explained) but even taking the lowest figures quoted, ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’ is still on the cusp of being one of the 50 biggest hits of all time. That’s a measure of just how big that track was.

5: Everything But The Girl – Missing

Everything But The Girl were never known for their hitmaking consistency. After their cover of ‘I Don’t Want To Talk About It’ went Top 3 in 1988 it took them four years to have a Top 40 follow-up, this time another cover with their take on ‘Love Is Strange’ which crept to Number 13. Their 1994 album ‘Amplified Heart’ was supposed to be a grand comeback for the duo following Ben Watt’s extended period of hospitalisation a year earlier, yet as per usual the singles they released were by and large ignored – in particular the track ‘MIssing’ which limped to Number 69 in the summer of that year.

When the track picked up a modest amount of American radio airplay, it was Watt himself who wondered if there was potential for remixing it as a club tune. He had deliberately written it with what he described as a “laid back house groove” and so handed a copy to Todd Terry and asked him to do his worst. The Todd Terry version of ‘Missing’ turned out to be a masterpiece, removing the tinkling acoustic guitar and replacing it with a chugging four-on-the-floor beat over which Tracey Thorn’s heartbroken vocals floated as if on a carpet of air. The single shot up the charts, well, pretty much everywhere actually. A Number 3 hit in the UK, it remained in the Top 10 for 14 weeks during the winter of 1995 and at the same time raced up the US charts, hitting Number 2 there and setting new longevity records for Hot 100 runs in the process. Without really intending to, Everything But The Girl had a whole new career and a whole new direction although the pair would spend the rest of the decade trying to recapture the lightning in a bottle of their most famous hit. Seeing as this chart seems to be all about massive sellers, lets note that ‘Missing’ sold over 600,000 copies during 1995, was the 9th biggest seller of the year and has to date shifted around 910,000 copies.

4: Bjork – It’s Oh So Quiet (7Digital link)

When Bjork’s latest album ‘Post’ was released in the summer of 1995, due attention was paid to standout tracks such as ‘Army Of Me’ and ‘Possibly Maybe’ as you might reasonably expect, but for the most part the most genuine heard turning moment of the long player was its fourth track. A brand new take on an obscure Betty Hutton track called ‘Blow A Fuse’, ‘It’s Oh So Quiet’ was a near irresistible combination of big band bombast and Bjork’s own unique way of turning squeaks and squeals into an integral part of her singing style. An obvious choice for single release, it was cleverly held off until the end of the year and as a direct result wound up far and away the biggest worldwide smash hit of the Icelandic star’s career. A popular airplay choice to this day, particularly around Christmas time owing to its association with this particular festive chart, it is possible you may have grown to hate it over the years but as a genuine straight down the middle pop classic it is actually pretty hard to ignore – unless that is you are searching for it on We7, sorry. Spotify has the song complete.

3: Boyzone – Father And Son

By the end of 1995 Boyzone were just over a year into their chart career and had clocked up a respectable number of Top 10 hit singles, their hits ranging from the appealing (‘So Good’) to the downright awful (‘Key To My Life’). In the teen star stakes though they were still very much on the second rung, with both Take That and East 17 owning the hearts and minds of both the teen market and the pop mainstream. Signs that the tide was about to turn came with the release of their fourth single in November 1995. ‘Father And Son’ had originally been written by Cat Stevens in the 1970s and had over the years become one his most famous recordings. The Boyzone version was an odd arrangement to say the least however. Whilst the Stevens original had been sung in two distinct registers to reflect the verses sung by the father and son of the title, Bozyone effectively disregarded the entire concept of the song and presented it as a straightforward pop track, Ronan Keating singing the entire song in the same tone and with the rest of the group doing their best harmonising on the chorus. It possibly wasn’t the most respectable way to treat a classic, but very few people seemed to care. ‘Father And Son’ raced up the Top 10 and spent most of the holiday period shuttling between positions 2 and 3 on the chart, never really in contention for Number One but maybe more importantly establishing Boyzone once and for all as a chart force to be reckoned with. Three months later their biggest rivals Take That decided to call it a day, leaving the way clear for Louis Walsh’s most famous creation to steal away the hearts and minds of the little girl population of Europe and embark on a run of hits that would see them well into the next decade.

There was even a final footnote to the story to come almost a decade later. When Yusuf “Cat Stevens” Islam decided that Allah was happy for him to make music again, his first chart appearance came in collaboration with Ronan Keating on a brand new version of ‘Father And Son’, restoring the track to its original cross-generation concept and in the process hitting Number 2 for Christmas exactly nine years after Boyzone exposed the song to a whole new generation.

2: Mike Flowers Pops – Wonderwall

A busker with a 50p wig tipped to be Christmas Number One? This calls for Kate Thornton to explain it all:

MikeFlowers

Yes it is true, once upon a time there was a neck and neck race for Christmas Number One, with the outsider being a record that was released for a giggle at the last minute but which was backed by a popular grassroots campaign. Except in this case the bland cheesy song was the popular challenger and the song written and performed by a major American talent was the one they were trying to topple. Funny that.

The Mike Flowers Pops Orchestra had been performing their own tongue in cheek homage to sixties easy listening for a couple of years with little mainstream attention. That was until their leader was approached by the producer of the Kevin Greening show on Radio One to re-record some of the hits of 1995 in a Burt Bacharach style for a regular feature every weekend. The second song recorded for the project was a wild romp through the then current Oasis hit ‘Wonderwall’ and after hearing it on his colleague’s show in mid November, breakfast host Chris Evans begged for a copy of the tape, playing the track on his own show and announcing gleefully that he’d tracked down the original version of ‘Wonderwall’ that had been forgotten for years.

From that moment on a bandwagon began to roll. Rights to the track were quickly snapped up and a released date for the single was planned. Time was tight, but the track made it into the shops for the start of Christmas week and there was wild speculation that the unthinkable could happen – a global superstar could be beaten to the top by a cheesy piss take.

bookies 

Make no mistake this was a race and a half, and best of all was based on genuine popular demand and public affection for the record in question. Part of the problem was however that the late turnaround for the single meant that production of the record was always going to struggle to meet demand. I remember wandering around record shops after finishing work that Friday and noting vast tracts of empty shelves where the Mike Flowers single should have been. It had sold out everywhere, but the question was had it sold out too soon? History records the answer, as sadly the dream could not be realised and Mike Flowers Pops could only make Number 2 for Christmas, at the very least matching the peak of the original Oasis version which as we have already seen was still in the Top 10 and which received its own sales boost on the back of the publicity for the Mike Flowers version.

In the new year it was speculated that a whole new craze for easy listening style music was set to take over but that swiftly died down when ‘My Unknown Love’ by Flowers’ own protégé Count Indigo bombed despite copious airplay. Two more Mike Flowers Pops singles followed, notably a cover of ‘Light My Fire’ which made the Top 30 in June 1996 but after that he and his musicians retreated back to the live circuit before finally calling it a day at the end of the 90s.

1: Michael Jackson – Earth Song

Mike Flowers’ failure meant that the way was clear for no less a legend than Michael Jackson to score a very famous Christmas Number One hit. Even by his own lofty standards ‘Earth Song’ was a smash hit. Lifted from his part Greatest Hits part proper album ‘History’ (home also to ‘You Are Not Alone’ which had topped the charts the previous September), ‘Earth Song’ shot straight to Number One when released at the end of November 1995 and pretty much took up residency there. WIth every passing week speculation grew – could it be that the single would sustain its sales long enough to become Christmas Number One? It was a particularly pertinent question – the festive chart would be its fourth week at the top.

Sales figures for ‘Earth Song’ speak for themselves. 116,000 copies in week 1, 149,000 in week 2, 150,000 in week 3 and finally a massive 262,000 in Christmas week itself to secure the festive crown, even in the teeth of Mike Flowers shaped opposition. What may also have helped is a major health scare the star suffered a week before the event, some reports even suggesting at one stage he was at death’s door and raising the spectre of a huge superstar passing away whilst he was already at Number One. Needless to say that day would actually come a decade and a half later. For the moment the huge sale meant that Earth Song raced past a million sales in the new year, giving Michael Jackson his biggest ever hit both in terms of sales and indeed chart performance as Earth Song went on to notch up a massive six weeks at the top. It was the song he performed at the Brit Awards ceremony a couple of months later, debuting what came to be known as the “Jesus routine” and prompting the famous stage invasion by Jarvis Cocker that is now an integral part of the history of the event.

So there you have it, the Christmas chart of 1995 and one which even without its own watershed significance for me can surely rank as one of the greatest ever with the Top 10 alone featuring no less than four million selling singles, one more that came close, and a fair hatful of acknowledged classics.

All that remains to do is to finish up the tape which has Mark Goodier reeling off a list of potential hits for the new year. With the benefit of hindsight we can note that whilst ‘Imitation Of Life’ by Billie Ray Martin, ‘Little Britain’ by Dreadzone, ‘Lump’ by Presidents Of The USA, ‘Not So Manic Now’ by Dubstar and ‘Oh Father’ by Madonna did indeed become hits of varying magnitude in the new year, ‘Life’ by Blair never did become the Top 40 hit it was expected to be. ‘Have Fun Go Mad’ was their far better song anyway.

Coming up next on Radio One, “A Very Merry Pet Shop Boys” as Neil and Chris share with us their favourite records of 1995. Sadly the tape runs out at that point, so all I can do is invite you to enjoy the We7 and Spotify playlists of every one of the available songs we’ve featured over the last week although a strike rate of just 30 out of the 40 songs is a shockingly poor strike rate.

See you in the new year.

Xmas1995PackShot

Dec 23

Christmas 1995 Pops – Part 3

My other favourite memory of the 1995 Christmas holiday came a couple of weeks week before the big day itself. Mr Cheeseford announced that he would be in Leeds that Friday night as part of a media junket, Shed Seven’s record label having invited the best of the student press along to their gig that evening in exchange for some positive reviews. Thus it was that I joined him as a freeloader, having been introduced to the record company PR rep as being “from the local radio station” and thus someone that she should be nice to, we settled in to the lounge at the Hilton Hotel and drank on what appeared to be a very generous record company bar tab. Things very nearly began to undo when some members of the party attempted to order food and charge it to the company account, prompting the hotel management to start to wonder just who these people were who appeared to try to avoid paying for anything but by and large it wound up as the most extravagant evening I’ve never had to pay for.

The odd thing is I never got to go to the gig, having to get the last bus home and with a radio job to go to the following morning. That and due to the fact that at 11pm we were still in the hotel lounge knocking back drinks with the band themselves sitting two sofas along and equally incapable. I got the feeling that they weren’t in any hurry to go out and play.

Winding forward the clock again, we are back at the Christmas chart show from December 24th 1995 and a Top 20 with some quite intriguing tales to tell…

20: Luther Vandross and Janet Jackson – The Best Things In Life Are Free

Take this song for instance. Justly famous thanks not only to the superstar pairing singing it but also as a genuine high point in the songwriting and production talents of Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis, ‘The Best Things In Life Are Free’ is one of those strange records where the version most commonly heard today bears little resemblance to the one most British record buyers turned into a hit twice over in the 1990s.

To explain: the song was originally written and recorded for the soundtrack of the 1992 film ‘Mo Money’ and hence features neither Luther nor Janet lip-syncing to the song in the famous fairground set video but the stars of the film itself. The version you will find online and indeed which was originally a hit in the United States is a breezy pop track drenched in artificial strings and full of the joys of summer. This “classic club edit” is essentially the track as its creators intended.

The problem was that in 1992 the differences in taste between American and British buyers was considered so wide that the UK label decided that the original mix stood little chance of becoming a hit. Hence CJ Mackintosh was enlisted to remix the track for the British market. He stripped out virtually all of the original production and instead transformed the single into a minimalist yet irritatingly catchy club track which even managed to give the guest rap from Bel Biv Devoe and Ralph Tresvant a greater prominence than in the original edit. The tactic worked perfectly and ‘The Best Things In Life Are Free’ spent a fortnight at Number 2 in the summer of 1992.

Its re-release three years later came complete with a brand new set of mixes from K-Klass. Their version took the track even further away from its original intentions, adding their trademark Latino house piano to the mix and softening the beats to add a more pop-dance crossover flavour to proceedings. Intriguingly the seven inch edit of the 1995 version deleted the guest rappers altogether, my presumption at the time being that the stars of the former New Edition members had fallen so far that their presence on the single was now an irrelevance rather than the added star power originally intended. ‘The Best Things In Life Are Free 95’ peaked at Number 7 in mid-December yet for whatever reason has not been revived since.

As I mentioned above, the only version to be found on streaming services is the original US version, but I include it in the playlists for completeness.

19: Madonna – You’ll See

Following the abject commercial and critical disaster of 1994 album ‘Bedroom Stories’, a quick fix was required to keep Madonna’s name in the charts whilst she was distracted filming “Evita” and effectively to reposition her image prior to the release of the film as a serious intense singer and not the wailing banshee who thought asking Bjork to write her songs was a good idea. Hence the production of ‘Something To Remember’, a compilation of some of her most famous ballads coupled with a handful of brand new songs. ‘You’ll See’ was one such new recording and it made a suitably efficient trip to the Top 5 in early November. Bizarrely the next choice for single release from the album was ‘Oh Father’ which had originally appeared on her 1989 album ‘Like A Prayer’. Although it had been a single in America at the time it had been passed over internationally, perhaps sensibly as when released in the UK in early 1996 it bombed out at Number 16 and became only her second single in over a decade to miss the Top 10.

18: The Artist Formerly Known As Prince – Gold

It was the production of his ‘Gold Experience’ album that caused Prince’s famous falling out with Warner Brothers records after they scuppered his original plan to release it as a “symbol” album contemporaneously with the “Prince” branded ‘Come’ back in 1994. Instead the album finally emerged a year later with Mr Nelson still sulking about being (his words) “a slave” and insisting on the ludicrous “Artist Formerly Known As…” moniker which inspired much parody elsewhere. His reluctance to promote it or have much to do with its release ultimately meant it underperformed commercially, a huge shame as ‘The Gold Experience’ is widely regarded as one of his best works of the 1990s. Lead single was the semi title track which was intended to be the ‘Purple Rain’ of the 90s and whilst not quite coming near the level of this classic is indeed up there with one of the best singles he ever made. ‘Gold’ made Number 10 in early December and in truth should have been a bigger smash than it was. Perhaps due to the strange circumstances of its release, ‘The Gold Experience’ is entirely absent from both online stores and streaming services, rendering this the great lost Prince record and regrettably one which I’m actually unable to share properly with you here thanks as well to his legal lapdogs squashing any attempt to put him on YouTube. A huge shame.

17: Enya – Anywhere Is

The lead single from Enya’s ‘The Memory Of Trees’ album, this was arguably the Celtic earth mother’s most commercial moment on record, a joyful lilting single whose lyric was as impenetrable as ever but which you couldn’t help but find appealing. Part of the magic of Enya’s chart career has been her ability to have hit singles with the most unconventional sounding records (the presence of ‘Orinoco Flow’ in the history books as a Number One single in 1988 a particular joy) but ‘Anywhere Is’ is notable in itself for being the closest she has ever come to making a straight down the wire commercial pop record – in her own inimitable style naturally.

16: Molella featuring The Outhere Brothers – If You Wanna Party

Remember the golden summer of Britpop? The heady days of the long hot summer of 1995 when Blur, Oasis, Supergrass and Pulp ruled all? Except that on the singles chart they didn’t because with a stranglehold on the top for several weeks during that period were rude American rap duo The Outhere Brothers. Their European success is actually a strange curiosity for whilst the pair originally made their records as full blown rap hits complete with detailed verses, tracks such as ‘Don’t Stop (Wiggle Wiggle)’ and ‘Boom Boom Boom’ became transatlantic hits in remixed versions which deleted most of the original song and turned the tracks into cheeky but harmless party records. Still, artistic integrity be blowed – they sold records and lots of them. ‘Boom Boom Boom’ spent four weeks at Number One and prompted many at the time to wonder if the world had gone mad. Certainly it was more or less impossible to walk down a street that summer without passing a car that had “girl you booty is so round, let me look you up and down” blasting hilariously from its speakers. Christmas hit ‘If You Wanna Party’ wasn’t really an Outhere record at all but was instead a track they had supplied guest vocals for a year earlier as a favour for dance producer Molella. When the presence of the duo on the track was noted it was quickly prepped for UK release with the Outhere Brothers’ contribution pushed to the fore. A Number 9 hit just before Christmas, it was essentially the final flowering of the brief but stellar UK career of the duo, save for a one off comeback in 1997 which only served to prove that their ship had well and truly sailed.

15: Pulp – Disco 2000

1995 was Pulp’s breakthrough year, Jarvis Cocker et al having scored themselves one of the all time great Number 2 hits in the shape of ‘Common People’ and then followed it with the tabloid-baiting ‘Sorted For E’s And Whizz’ which also made Number 2 and which incidentally cemented Kate Thornton’s reputation as well. Don’t believe me? Look here:

sickstunt

Fortunately for all us kids out there, a genuine authority on the subject was ready to weigh in with his advice:

FoxySpeaks

Anyway, back to the matter in hand. The album ‘Different Class’ when it appeared in the autumn was as much of an instant classic as its preceding singles and most reviewers were united in the view that its most outstanding track was the nostalgic ‘Disco 2000’ which saw Cocker dreaming of a millennium reunion with a childhood sweetheart. Naturally it became the album’s third single and was specially mixed for the occasion by no less a production legend than Alan “We Don’t Talk Anymore” Tarney who gleefully seized upon the much commented similarity between the old Laura Branigan hit ‘Gloria’ and the guitar riff in the Pulp song, ensuring that the single emphasised the link even more and turned the record into even more of an instant party smash than we all knew it would be anyway. ‘Common People’ aside, ‘Disco 2000’ remains the hit record most synonymous with Pulp’s golden age and is deservedly remembered with nostalgia to this day. The only downside was the turn of the century theme to the track which led to the group five years later blocking any attempt to use it in commercials or promotions for the millennium and firmly sitting on any suggestion that it should be re-released for the occasion. Somehow I get the feeling the decision was the correct one.

14: Levellers – Just The One

The release of fourth album ‘Zeitgeist’ in 1995 saw The Levellers top the charts for the very first time whilst at the same time scoring the most consistent run of hits with the tracks mined from its grooves. Modern day drinking fable ‘Just The One’ was the third such release, peaking at Number 12 the week before the holiday, strangely enough the fourth time they had seen one of their singles stall at this position. Strangely little heard today, and one can only assume that their deeply held principles have prevented it from being used in the context of anti-binge drinking campaigns. Either that or people just have no imagination. One thing that you do notice from calling it up online is just how short and sweet the single was – just 1:45 long.

13: Queen – A Winter’s Tale

Hard on the heels of ‘Heaven For Everyone’ came Queen’s Christmas single proper, also lifted from the ‘Made In Heaven’ posthumous album. A very odd single indeed, lacking much in the way of melody or chorus, the single was nonetheless a not too unpleasant diversion, a dreamy almost psychedelic track penned by Freddie Mercury during sessions for the ‘Innuendo’ album in 1991 whilst staring at the shores of Lake Geneva. His vocals were reportedly laid down in one take just a few weeks before he passed away, giving the track an extra sense of poignancy that I suspect was lost on all but the most dedicated Queen fan.

12: Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men – One Sweet Day

If ever there was a symbol of the desperate stagnation and crushing blandness that had afflicted mainstream American music in the first half of the 1990s, it was the runaway success of this single. Teaming two of the most inoffensive and deathly corporate R&B acts of the time to sing one of the most sickly, nauseating and downright trite songs ever written turned out to be a commercial masterstroke Stateside. ‘One Sweet’ Day’ spent an astonishing 16 weeks at Number One on the Hot 100, a record to this day and far and away the biggest ever hit single for both Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey. Fortunately slightly cooler heads prevailed here, but that still did not stop the single having a brief Top 10 run, peaking at Number 6 in early December but then charging down the charts with reassuring haste. This really has been the only burden of this particular chart rundown, having to listen to the track again for the first time in a decade and a half and somehow being responsible for providing a link for you to hear it as well. Sorry about that.

11: Childliners – The Gift Of Christmas

More novelty crap, this time in the shape of an entertainingly risible ensemble pop record which at the very least had its heard in the right place, being as it was entirely in aid of the Childline childrens charity. The brainchild of svengali Tom Watkins it was penned by the man himself in conjunction with East 17’s Tony Mortimer who once again probably had caused to look back with nostalgia at having the biggest selling hit of the previous season.

For posterity then, we should at least document the full cast of participants. They were: East 17 (naturally), Boyzone, Michelle Gayle, Deuce, MN8, Ultimate Kaos, Let Loose, a pre-fame Peter Andre, CJ Lewis, Sean Maguire, Dannii Minogue (bet this isn’t on her musical CV), EYC, Nightcrawlers, China Black, Backstreet Boys and many other nonentities whose names would mean very little in this day and age. Released in mid-December the single spent a fortnight at Number 9 and just missed out on a place on the Christmas Top 10, slipping to rest here for the festive chart. Hey, it may be rubbish but someone even has their Top Of The Pops performance on YouTube. Too good to miss surely and after this the song is even starting to grow on me…

Incidentally, isn’t it interesting just how many singles in this chart had “peaked at xx in early December and then slipped”. Anyone would think there was a pattern to the releases. See you tomorrow for the Top 10 and the most exciting climax of all.

Dec 22

Christmas 1995 Pops – Part 2

Go on then, I hear you ask, just what was it about Christmas 1995 which made it such a watershed moment for me?

Well the truth is that it marked my first ever proper, paid for, live radio shifts on a real living breathing radio station. Not that I hadn’t presented shows as a wannabe radio star on broadcast radio before, most memorably a week of overnight shows back in Lancaster when I was a student, but on Christmas Eve 1995 a year and a half of patiently making the tea and turning around sports reports finally paid off. I got to fill in on the “Sunday Pleasuredome” on The Pulse Of West Yorkshire and play two hours of 80s hits just before the Pepsi Chart and their own version of the Christmas countdown.

Technically that afternoon wasn’t my first live broadcast as it was traditional for new presenters (even those who had driven many outside broadcasts and pre-recorded shows from the on-air studio) to do a warm up overnight shift just to get into the swing of things. Consequently that weekend consisted of me working in the afternoon on the sports show, going home to sleep, coming back in at 2am, presenting for four hours and then going home to sleep once more before coming back in at lunchtime to get ready for the show.

With the Christmas chart show being broadcast that afternoon I had to jump through a number of hoops to get it on tape as was traditional, and indeed playing the recording back and hearing it start during Mark Goodier’s opening monologue brings back all the memories… 4pm that Sunday saw me fire off the news jingle (no computers in those days to do it for you), fade up IRN, run down the corridor to the meeting room to press “record” on the stereo that was tuned to Radio One and then run back to the studio ready for the end of the news bulletin and to cue in the networked feed of Dr Fox and the Pepsi Chart.

I still have both the tape of that debut show (which I’m not going to share) and the carefully constructed running order – which you can see reproduced here.

Hence every single memory of that holiday season, every moment of the build up and every song of the time is coloured with the sense of giddy anticipation I felt at being handed the chance to do for my bosses what I had always wanted to do – prove that I could present on their radio station and do the job asked of me. Under no circumstances was I going to let that chance pass me by.

Enough of this personal nostalgia, let’s get back to the musical stuff and the Christmas Chart as broadcast on December 24th 1995. Don’t miss New Years Day 1996 on Radio One by the way. They are playing 90 from the 90s all day long from 9am-4pm. Can hardly wait…

30: Blur – The Universal

You will know this song possibly without even realising it, thanks to British Gas and their licensing of the track and its opening orchestral riff for their seemingly endless advertising campaigns, ‘The Universal’ began life as the second single to be released from Blur’s ‘Great Escape’ album and was actually the follow-up to smash hit Number One single ‘Country House’, the focal point of the Battle Of Britpop that resulted from great rivals Blur and Oasis releasing singles on the same day earlier in the summer. History records now who really had the last laugh, but at the time Blur were on an all-time commercial high and ‘The Universal’ justifiably remains one of the most famous and best loved singles. Maybe released just a little too earlier to be a proper seasonal smash, the single peaked at Number 5 in late November and by Christmas was gently fading away.

29: Crescendo – Are You Out There? (30 second preview only)

Our first collision with dance music on the chart, ‘Are You Out There’ was a major club smash in its day, a brooding slow build featuring strings and a sonorous narrated intro soon giving way to an infectious classical-rave fusion anthem which was bold enough to feature a breakdown featuring a gothic choir. A cut above most of the Eurotrash that was clogging up dancefloors at the time, it is something of a shame that ‘Are You Out There’ (which ran to 19 minutes in its full unedited version) is something of a forgotten classic these days. Crescendo was a pseudonym for Jon Crosse who would later form trace band The Morrighan, most famous for their 2000 single ‘Follow Me’.

As you may note above, We7 have the track for sale but sadly not for streaming. ‘Are You Out There’ is far to good not to share in full, so have the fully approved by Jon Crosse himself YouTube video.

28: Frank Bruno – The Eye Of The Tiger

After years of waiting, British boxer Frank Bruno finally won the World Heavyweight Title in 1995 to scenes of nationwide joy. We’ll draw a line over the fact that he was subsequently knocked into the middle of next week by Mike Tyson in his first defence and instead concentrate on the brief period in late 1995 when he was on top of the world and a national hero. You’ll be relieved to know that Frank himself did not feature on this cash-in single, the track instead being little more than a knock-off cover of the famous Survivor hit mixed with commentary clips from the famous night in September when he outpointed Oliver McCall to become the king of the world. Mike Stock and Matt Aitken produced the track which was released on BMG records, and if amongst that combination you can detect the slight whiff of Simon Cowell at work your senses are in all probability correct.

Available online to hear or buy these days? You have to be kidding…

27: Queen – Heaven For Everyone

Why should the fact that your lead singer has been dead for four years stop you from making records with him? Queen didn’t think so, and so after a suitably respectful period following the death of their charismatic star in 1991 set about assembling a new album from the fragments of songs Freddie Mercury had been working on before his death, as well as turning some of his solo singles into fully fledged Queen tracks. ‘Made In Heaven’ with the album which, once you got past the slightly morbid nature of its creation, was broadly welcomed with positive reviews. ‘Heaven For Everyone’ was its lead single and the track shot to Number 2 in November, only denied a place at the top by a certain rap superstar. The follow-up single was released with almost indecent haste to further promote sales of the album over the holiday period, so ‘Heaven For Everyone’ was one of two Queen singles on the festive chart. Chances are most people have forgotten just what the other one was as well…

26: Corona – I Don’t Want To Be A Star (7Digital)

Created by producer Francesco Bomtempi, Eurodance group Corona put together a string of hits in the mid-90s, all the while sidestepping rows over just who it was who actually sang on the records. The single version of ‘I Don’t Want To Be A Star’ featured a variety of different Lee Marrow mixes, but the one favoured by radio was the “70s Radio Edit” which replaced the euro beats with disco strings and in the process transformed it into something quite glorious. The single was their fourth and final hit (save for a Megamix release two years later) and peaked at Number 22 the week before Christmas. On Spotify but not We7 for some odd reason.

25: Michael Barrymore – Too Much For One Heart

And the classics just keep on coming! Having wormed his way into public affections as an all-round entertainer and at the time the undisputed king of Saturday night television, it kind of made perfect sense for Michael Barrymore to release a cash-in album. The long player itself never sold enough to chart, but it did spawn this single which crept into the Top 30 just before Christmas. Barrymore had actually recorded comedy records in the past at the very start of his career, scaling the dizzy heights of Number 90 with ‘Kenny The Kangaroo’ in 1983 and Number 81 with ‘Doin’ The Crab’ in 1987, but as far as most people were concerned this barely adequate piece of crooning was his first ever attempt at becoming a singing star. Whilst 1995 was arguably a career high for him, it also marked the start of his personal decline, with the infamous drunken coming out during a Soho pub crawl and his subsequent split from wife and manager Cheryl all taking place during the course of the year. For the moment his fans stuck by him and his shows remained as popular as ever. History doesn’t document what he spent the royalties from this single on. Let’s hope it wasn’t a swimming pool.

24: Passengers – Miss Sarajevo

Following the 1993 sessions that lead to the ‘Zooropa’ album, the members of U2 developed their creative partnership with producer Brian Eno stil further, creating a series of tracks which were so far removed from their usual sound that it gave their label something of a headache. There was no way the collection of experimental soundscapes could be released as a “proper” U2 album, so the group instead elected to release them as a side project under a widely publicised pseudonym. Operating as “Passengers” with Eno effectively a full member of the group for one time only, they released ‘Original Soundtracks 1’ with the conceit that all the tracks were taken from the soundtrack of films – most of which were just figments of their imagination. One of the few that did exist was “Miss Sarajevo”, a Bill Carter documentary that Bono had helped produce and which documented the famous beauty pageant held amongst the war-torn buildings in the Bosnian capital.

The single itself is a thing of quite exquisite beauty. As if Bono’s gentle crooning over Eno’s aural ,meanderings isn’t enough, the crowning glory of the single arrives with the guest vocal from Luciano Pavarotti who takes over the track three minutes in and transforms it into the most arresting, diverting and downright moving record you are ever likely to hear. Few and far between are the pieces of music that literally make you stop what you are doing and then scramble to work out what it was at the end, and so it is something of a joy to document the existence of ‘Miss Sarajevo’ and its chart peak of Number 6 in early December 1995. Take a few moments to savour what even this seasoned U2 hater couldn’t resist snapping up a copy of the moment it hit the shops.

23: Smokin’ Mojo Filters – Come Together

Speaking of Bosnia and the Yugoslavian civil war which was dominating the foreign news at the time, the conflict also prompted the founding of the War Child charity and in 1995 the first in what became a semi-regular series of charity albums. The concept for ‘The Help! Album’ was apparently inspired by John Lennon’s ‘Instant Karma’, the idea that records should be released the moment they are recorded. Hence a stellar array of artists was assembled to each record a track on Monday September 4th 1995, tracks which were then mixed, pressed and released so the album hit the stores the following Saturday. The release gained much publicity and shot straight to Number One – at least on the compilation chart, its ineligibility for the main listings despite pleas that the rule should be relaxed winding up as a bone of contention that Brian Eno still hadn’t come to terms with over a decade later.

Although a selection of tracks had been released as a single at around the same time as he album, ‘The Help EP’ had peaked at a mere Number 51, and so it was decided to further promote the product with a single release for the final track on the disc. The Smokin’ Mojo Filters were a veritable supergroup, consisting of Paul McCartney, Paul Weller, Noel Gallagher, Steve Craddock, Steve White and Carleen Anderson. Together they enthusiastically plodded through a cover of the old Beatles track ‘Come Together’ in manner which inevitably sounded like a spontaneous jam session (which naturally it was) but which was notable simply for the sheer weight of star power behind it. Released the week before the Christmas chart, the single peaked at Number 19 before slipping back to here. Never quite the contender for the top it might have been planned to, as the token singles chart presence of a very worthy and very famous cause, it seems churlish really to knock it. Not on Spotify for some reason (for shame!)

22: Skee-Lo – I Wish

The first of just two hit singles accumulated by California based rapper Skee-Lo, better known to his mother as Antoine Rountree. A tongue in cheek send up of aimless materialism, the track may have been a light hearted novelty but it still pops up in the most unlikely of places and has managed a shelf life far beyond its brief UK chart run. A Number 15 hit at the start of December, the track was even up for a Grammy as Best Rap Solo Performance but was to ultimately lose to a certain record which we will come to later.

21: East 17 – Thunder

One year on from grabbing the Christmas Number One with ‘Stay Another Day’, East 17 had the honour of another seasonal hit thanks to ‘Thunder’, although the track had effectively been and gone and was by this time easing its way down the chart after peaking at Number 4 in early November. Just three more hits would follow in 1996 and early 1997 before the band started to disintegrate, although give them credit they have been attempting comebacks at regular intervals pretty much ever since. What do you mean you hadn’t noticed?

That is your lot for today.. more tomorrow but despite a fair number of gaps, the We7 and Spotify playlists contain as much of this chart as we can find.

Dec 21

Christmas 1995 Pops – Part 1

There are always two pegs on which I like to hang these semi regular retrospective pieces. One is simply to celebrate a particular period in musical history when the music was particularly memorable, or to put a celebrated classic in its correct historical context. The other is to note how the music that soundtracks a particular event or memorable period in your life can serve as a kind of musical diary, the songs of the time triggering the memories, feelings and emotions that were all part and parcel of life experience at the time.

Hence the choice of the Christmas chart of 1995 for this latest rewind of an old Top 40 tape. Not only does it feature near the top some very famous singles, not only was it the final culmination of a year that saw the golden summer of Britpop create a musical movement as fresh, exciting and above all British as anything that had gone in the previous ten years, but the real life events at the time marked a personal watershed for me and the blossoming of a career that I’d been working towards for most of the previous decade. Oh yes, and topically enough it also featured a genuine two-way battle for the coveted Christmas Number One slot. One song was the default choice of most and the assumed winner, the other a maverick late entrant to the race which was backed by a wave of popular support.

All that will come in time however, for the moment it is time to set the clock back to December 24th 1995 and cue up Mark Goodier as he eagerly counts down the Christmas chart, back in the days when a contrived internet campaign wasn’t required to create the tension and when few people listening had any inkling of what the final result was going to be.

All songs are linked to their relevant pages on we7.com, so you can click to stream them for yourselves if the service is available in your country.

40: Mary Kiani – I Give It All To You

A suitably festive sounding song to open with. Scottish singer Mary Kiani first tasted chart success as the uncredited voice behind Time Frequency club hits such as ‘Real Love’ and ‘Ultimate High’ in 1993 and 1994. After falling out with the group she signed a solo deal with Mercury records and made the Top 20 first time out with ‘When I Call Your Name’ in the summer of 1995. This soulful single was unashamedly aimed at the seasonal market, but such is the thin line between flop and smash at Christmas it could progress no further than its Number 35 entry point the week before the seasonal chart and by the time of the holiday itself had fallen back to here. Still a pleasure to hear it again however, and the bagpipe accompaniment to the final bridge is a cute nod to her Glasgow roots. Wikipedia says she now lives and resides in Australia.

39: Mr Blobby – Christmas In Blobbyland

“It’s Christmas Eve, Mr Blobby” intones Noel Edmonds in his best “I’m going to make another fortune out of this one” voice at the start of this track, an ultimately ill-fated attempt to capture the lightning in a bottle that had propelled the original Mr Blobby single to the top of the Christmas chart two years earlier. With little in the way of novelty appeal, cultural bandwagon or urgent pressing need for anyone to buy this record its only purpose was to spoil Mr Blobby’s hit status as a genuine one hit wonder and to provide retrospective bloggers 14 years later to note that this was actually not the worst festive novelty to be clogging up the lower end of this particular singles chart. Understandably hard to come by these days, with not even a clip available on YouTube. Bizarrely Amazon have the CD single listed.

38: Wet Wet Wet – She’s All On My Mind

The fourth and final hit single of 1995 for Wet Wet Wet, a year in which they successfully movd on from what could have been the potential albatross of forever being associated with ‘Love Is All Around’ and with the album ‘Picture This’ successfully reminded the world just how good their own songs could sound, three years after their last studio album. In a sense it is a shame that hits such as ‘Julia Says’ and ‘Don’t Want To Forgive Me Now’ are all but buried in people’s memories as they ranked amongst their best ever work. ‘She’s All On My Mind’ was the perfect holiday release, a mellow soul ballad replete with harmonies, muted trumpets and chocolaty saxophone instrumental break which had peaked at Number 17 in early December. Granted it broke very little new ground musically and criticisms of blandness and pointlessness would be well made, but the very sound of it conjures up warm thoughts of frozen evenings carrying home the shopping and department store PAs inviting us to indulge in festive bargains. A perfect seasonal evocation.

37: Tina Turner – Goldeneye

Forget all the hype about what the first James Bond film for six years (the first to star Pierce Brosnan in the title role) was going to be like, what people really wanted to know was how good the theme song was going to be. In fact the singer was chosen before the song, and when it was announced that Tina Turner was going to perform the theme no less a pairing than Bono and The Edge offered to write the music that would eventually soundtrack the opening minutes of the Brosnan era. The dark and brooding ‘Goldeneye’ was the result, produced and mixed by Nellee Hooper, at the time one of the most in demand producers of the moment thanks to his work with the likes of Bjork and Madonna as well as his role in creating Massive Attack. Although the single entered at Number 10 first week out in November, this was the era of the top down chart run and so the single spent the rest of the month gently meandering down the listings to rest here in what would be its final Top 40 week. Still, it was a benchmark for Bond themes, elevating them from the showbiz camp of the 80s to being a vehicle for some very credible stars indeed over the course of the next decade and a half.

36: Jimmy Nail – Love

Although he’s had a one off hit single in the 1980s with a Roger Taylor produced cover of ‘Love Don’t Live Here Anymore’, the notion of actor Jimmy Nail as a singing star didn’t really take root until 1992 when he scored a surprise Number One hit with ‘Ain’t No Doubt’ and the subsequent album ‘Growing Up In Public’. Never the most conventional singer, he still wasn’t half bad as a crooner and his two loves of acting and singing were combined to mild acclaim two years later when ‘Crocodile Shoes’ cast him as a Country star and led to the theme from the TV series giving him another Top 10 hit. 1995 saw the release of his album ‘Big River’ and the title track had been a moderate Top 20 hit in late October. Nothing however could have prepared us for the follow-up, because ‘Love’ was the very definition of a bad idea. An attempt at a wistful ballad, it saw the star straining for a register he was clearly never meant to attempt, reducing his vocal on the track to little more than a strangulated whine that is almost painful to listen to. We are left to marvel not only that someone thought it was a good idea for him to sing, that the track made it onto the album in the first place and also that somebody, somewhere thought it was the perfect choice as as December single. Wrong on possibly every count I’m afraid.

35: M People – Itchycoo Park

Either a fun and enthusiastic reworking of a classic or a dreadful insult to the memory of Steve Marriott and the rest of the Small Faces, this dance cover of the sixties classic, reimagining it as a gospel epic, gave Heather Small and M People a Number 11 hit in the closing weeks of 1995. Demonstrating that the “special edition” concept is nothing new, the track was one of a handful of new recordings to feature on the album ‘Bizarre Fruit II’ which was released as a repackaging of their by then year old long player ‘Bizarre Fruit’ around the same time. Initially a limited edition release featuring a bonus disc of live performances, the “Version 2” pressing of the disc eventually replaced the original issue as the default version of the album, a situation that persists today even online.

34: Simply Red – Remembering The First Time

Proof positive that you are only ever as good as your last hit, this was the rather startling flop follow-up to ‘Fairground’ which had famously given Mick Hucknall and his rotating cast of musicians their first ever Number One single in September 1995. The second single lifted from the album ‘Life’, ‘Remembering The First Time’ was by no means a bad record but for some strange reason the group and their label struggled to find a way to make people care. The single charted at Number 22 the week before Christmas, and its presence this low down the chart the following week rather than locked inside the Top 10 was expected was nothing less than a huge surprise for everyone. I’ve never quite worked out the reasons why.

33: Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel – Make Me Smile (Come Up And See Me)

Even before the download era, songs featured in TV adverts could be propelled back towards the charts although it took a formal re-release to make that happen. Steve Harley’s most famous song returned to the Top 40 for the first time since its spell at Number One 20 years earlier thanks to a TV commercial for Carling which was airing at the tail end of 1995. The single had been back in the charts only three years earlier but had only peaked at Number 46 and was further re-mixed in a 30th anniversary version in 2005 which also fell short of the Top 40. Oddly enough the song had also been recorded by Duran Duran in 1995 as a bonus track on their ill-fated covers album ‘Thank You’ although their version was never released as a single.

32: LV – Throw Your Hands Up/Gangsta’s Paradise

Singer and rapper Larry “Large Variety” Sanders was the voice of one of the biggest global smashes of the year without many people noticing, thanks to his turn on the chorus of Coolio’s ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’ (of which more later). In a masterpiece of mistiming the hit single also coincided with the promotion of his own solo album ‘I Am LV’ which understandably struggled for attention in the face of the mainstream attention given to his collaborator on the earlier single. LV’s one and only hit in this country was this initial release, the rather average West Coast R&B of ‘Throw Your Hands Up’ coupled with the diverting novelty of an expanded vocal version of ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’, the chorus based heavily on Stevie Wonder’s ‘Pastime Paradise’ and now expanded into a fully fledged track rather than just being the chorus on a rap single. LV released a second album ‘How Long’ in 2000 but no further hits were forthcoming and even his first unavailable for streaming. Cue the video.

31: Whigfield – Last Christmas

Danish singer Whigfield had inevitably become a global star at the tail end of 1994 thanks to smash novelty hit ‘Saturday Night’ which all at once became one of the fastest selling and most irritatingly catchy singles of the early part of the decade. Inevitably on the back of that she released an album and had three more Top 20 hits on these shores, culminating in the badly advised ballad ‘Close To You’ which peaked at Number 13 in September. None of this however can explain the crass and almost insulting decision for her to record a seasonal cash-in with this dreadful retread of the famous ‘Wham!’ hit from 1984, 1985 and practically every Christmas since. Not that she ruined the track exactly, as the song is so very hard to spoil, but her barely in key warblings married to a funky drummer dance beat served only to prove that there are some projects that should never be mounted, no matter how good they look on paper. I suspect my venom towards the single (which had peaked at Number 21 two weeks earlier) is due to the fact that every household owns at least one Christmas hits double CD compilation. My own is Polygram TV’s ‘”The No.1 Christmas Album”, also released in 1995, which not only features the Whigfield track in a prominent position on CD1 (the Wham! version thankfully popping up on CD2) but which was even sold with a sticker on the front altering potential purchasers to the presence of the track! I’d like to record that I bought the album despite this, not because of it.

No.1ChristmasAlbum

That’s all for today. More tomorrow as we clamber merrily into the Top 30, and in the meantime We7 and Spotify playlists are up for your listening pleasure.

Dec 16

Spread The Word

Word Clipping1

My name pops up in the most unusual places doesn’t it? The clipping on the left is taken from the current (at the time of writing) edition of The Word magazine which as part of its “end of the decade” retrospective features an interesting three page article on the music charts and their continuing relevance in the new century. It came about when the article’s author Peter Robinson got in touch with me and asked if he could talk to me as part of the research. In thanking me for my time he made it seem as if it was almost an imposition. I was talking to the man who writes Popjustice for goodness sake, it ranked as one of the highlights of the year.

For the record however, my “dubious baking analogy” was a dubious cake analogy, so once again the press have TWISTED MY WORDS.

Actually it seems only appropriate to highlight the article this week given that just for a change the activities and contents of the singles chart are suddenly one of the biggest entertainment stories of the week. This is all thanks to the rather unexpected two way battle that has developed between X Factor winner Joe McElderry and the 1993 Rage Against The Machine single ‘Killing In The Name’. Where previous “let’s randomly buy this single and get it into the charts” stunts have fallen short, this one appears to have tickled the fancy of a rather worryingly large number of people, to the extent that on early sales figures the presence of the X Factor winner at the top of the charts for the fifth Christmas running is by no means a foregone conclusion.

Officially I still find it objectionable. As I’ve written in the column this week and ranted extensively on the podcast, there is something rather unsavoury about people buying a record not because they have heard it or like it, but because they are being encouraged to by somebody else to prove a dubious point that doesn’t really need proving in the first place. Call me a purist if you will, but “I joined a Facebook group that told me it was a good idea” is not for me a valid reason to buy music – particularly given the unlikelihood of you actually listening to or appreciating the music at the end of it.

That said, this does appear to have had the neat side effect of making the race for Number One a mainstream news story for the first time since – well, I guess since the great Truesteppers/Posh Spice race at the start of the decade. Far from being a rather dull foregone conclusion, the identity of the Christmas Number One is now a matter of some speculation and if you believe the news channels actually worthy of some comment.

That much is amusing, although not half as amusing as seeing Official Charts Company boss Martin Talbot propped up in front of the Sky News cameras last night to talk about the race and what it all means. It is also further entertaining to read the pontificating online in various forums, people who at ordinary times would not dream of giving a damn what was Number One talking about how important it is to break Simon Cowell’s monopoly on the seasonal favourite or for people who have enthusiastically embraced the file sharing age offering advice on the best place to actually spend money on a piece of music.

So on the one hand I’m on the horns of a dilemma. On the one hand it is something of a joy to see people scrutinising the music charts, giving a shit about what would be Number One and spreading the word about how best to race a song up the rankings – this especially after I told Peter Robinson on the phone that the biggest problem for the official charts was a lack of visibility given that Top Of The Pops didn’t exist any more and record shops had no need to display them or use them as the inspiration for their shelf stacking. On the other hand, hyping a record that has no particular cultural reference point, is being neither played nor performed nor which has any particular relevance to anyone’s life is still somehow to me wrong and a grotesque distortion of what the weekly musical popularity contest is supposed to be about. In years to come the random arrival of ‘Killing In The Name’ in the Christmas Top 10 (and its near instantaneous exit in the new year) will require a very large footnote to explain the circumstances. Just like the Bloody Diana Record it has nothing to do with the music and everything to do with symbolism. I dislike it for that simple reason.

Never mind. Despite the numbers so far, like most people I’m still fairly certain that the race will ultimately be decided in favour of the X Factor single, although the lead accumulated by mindless idiots buying the other record has caused a few people to examine their convictions and prepare to have an open mind.

In the meantime, whilst watching my tenner on Lady Gaga to be Christmas Number 2 vanish down the toilet, I can make my peace with the fuss. As people flock to Amazon and fret as to whether the 29p download is chart eligible (it is), as music industry experts are wheeled out on television to explain what it all means, as even the OCC themselves start Twittering the midweek information and as come the weekend millions scour the internet for the early news of the final sales totals, there is now more than enough ammunition to approach the “the charts just don’t matter any more, who buys singles anyway?” argument and be able shoot it down in flames for pretty much the whole of 2010.

Dec 14

X Factor 2009 – The Final (Part 2)

Now let’s be honest with each other. There is actually very little to be achieved by a blow by blow recap of the final X Factor live show of the series. Who performed what and how is pretty much moot. We had two remaining contestants, both as good as each other. One won and the other lost, and that is really all that we need to know.

Joe McElderry won the night, causing Cheryl to dissolve into tears once more, a nation of grans to dab at their eyes in sympathy and meaning that we are now set to be inflicted with his version of ‘The Climb’ as the Christmas Number One single. Yes, it is an odd choice of song given that the original version was a Top 20 hit as recently as last summer, but perhaps no stranger than having ‘When You Believe’ transformed from a divas duet into a boy band ballad a couple of years ago. Incidentally the rumours that the winning song was set to be ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ weren’t too far off the truth either, given that Joe also reprised the song on the results show and sending the Journey original soaring back up the iTunes chart as we speak.

As for what X Factor has taught us this year, well a couple of things spring to mind. The controversial change to the auditions format which saw the hopefuls transported from airless hotel rooms to large arenas has been all but forgotten. The complaint was at first that it spoiled the narrative of the series, presuming that half the fun was watching these stars in waiting grow from nervous acapella auditionees to fully fledged performers. In the event, the only consequence appeared to be the removal from the programme’s lexicon of the word “journey”. No departing contestants spoke of the “wonderful journey” they had been on. Instead the emphasis was on their “dream” and how the “dream” wasn’t going to die despite the setback. Dream on.

I would however note that the early auditions proved that the audience reactions were misleading. Finalists they may have been, but did Stacey, Danyl or Jamie ever manage to live up to their initial bursts of TV exposure from back in the summer? I’m not so sure they did.

The second important transformation this year was the arrival of the Sunday evening results show which not only gave ITV1 a ratings banker across both days of the weekend but which also quickly showed that it had a hugely beneficial effect on the chart fortunes of the acts who appeared. Readers of my Yahoo chart columns will know that the X Factor results show had an almost two month stranglehold on the Number One position, with just about every act headlining the TV show being all but guaranteed a run at the top of the charts seven days later. In the process this removed and invalidated my usual criticism of X Factor, the fact that the whole show was geared towards educating its audience to buy one record and nothing else – that of the winner. This year that changed, and the show matured into a high level showcase for some top of the line pop music. X Factor viewers were turned into music consumers as well, to everyone’s benefit. During the first 8 weeks of the series, the Number One single sold over 100,000 copies every single week in a run that had not been seen since the end of the last century. That is no coincidence, trust me.

Mere hours after the results show had finished, ITV1 published the full voting figures on its website, allowing interested parties like us the chance to evaluate the actual numbers for the first time ever. In doing so it threw up some interesting points and in the process cut through a great deal of the hype and hysteria at the start.

Remember the scare stories of how John and Edward were at times winning the public vote and how the producers were worried the whole event could be wrecked by this mischief? Utter balls from start to finish. The figures show that the terrible two were never in contention at any time, hovering near the bottom of the vote each time. In Week 1 they were fifth from bottom, fourth from bottom in Week 2, in Week 3 they were in sixth place, in Week 4 they were third from bottom and in Week 5 when they survived the sing off against Lucie they had polled just 9.2% of the vote, only fractionally ahead of the 8.8% that eventually condemned the Welsh diva to elimination.

Early favourite Danyl started brightly and tailed off badly. He won the opening show by a country mile with 27.1% of the vote, but the following week his share had dipped to a miserable 6.5%, proving that the audience did indeed vote on performances week in week out and never really stuck with their favourites. The one exception was the backlash that resulted in his shock plunge into the bottom 2 in Week 3. The following week he bounced back with a massive 36.2% which was more than double the vote of Olly in second place.

Finally the numbers game shows that just like last year, the winner emerged with a handful of weeks to go. Having never once topped the voting until then, Joe surged into the lead in Week 7 and from that moment on never looked back, his share of the vote growing week by week until he won the semi final with 42.2%. Watch the shows back and you can see the point when the judges’ attitude towards him changes and he is little by little being groomed to be the star. Whilst there is no sense of a “fix” involved, those backstage new the numbers, saw the way the land was lying and reacted accordingly. The full PDF file is on the ITV website here, so happy browsing if you are keen to break the figures apart further.

Perhaps now you can understand why the figures are never revealed week by week. Exposing the mystique is only worthwhile once the dust has cleared from the battle.

So that was X Factor 2009. Hope you enjoyed the marathon, and to those who wrote to me or contacted me online to say that reading the recaps helped remove the need to actually watch the shows themselves, I am glad I provided that kind of service. Deride it as cheap and tacky television if you must, but as a ratings banker for TV channels and now as a top level platform for marketing records, you can only stand back in admiration and start counting the weeks to next year. Thank goodness we get American Idol in January to fill the void.

Dec 13

X Factor 2009 – The Final (Part One)

I did a similar list right at the start of this series, prior to the first elimination show, but who remembers the third place losers from previous X Factor series? Tabby Callaghan, Journey South, Ben Mills, Same Difference and Eggnog Quinn were the artists in question, most of whom vanished back into obscurity despite their staying power at the time. It hardly bodes well for whoever falls at the first hurdle during this weekend’s final sing-offs.

Tonight we have two hours to fill, so an all singing all dancing retrospective package opens the show to burn some time. During the course of this Simon announces that he simply cannot pick a winner. He lies, deep down we know he already has. By the way, if tonight is the final. What is tomorrow. The final final?

With the contest now reaching its climax this isn’t the time for filler or analysis of anything other than the singing itself, so just for a change we’ll gloss over the crap bits such as the increasingly chaotic series of outside broadcasts from the home towns of the contestants, inserts which only serve to ramp up the blatant regionalism that has been suspiciously toned down this year. It would be wrong to ignore the first of Stacey’s inserts after which she is asked if the atmosphere is normally like that in Dagenham. I would have given anything for her to say “no, normally people have more knives and bottles in paper bags.”

Tonight everyone gets three songs and the show sticks to a rigid order, so best to deal with each contestant one by one. The opening death slot goes to Stacey who in her homecoming tour goes back to the school that, if rumours are to be believed, she was asked to leave after falling pregnant. Incidentally, has she denied sleeping with Tiger Woods yet, I think she should just as a process of elimination.

The first song for each person tonight is a repeat of whatever they sang at their first televised audition, and in her case that means she returns to the scene of the crime with ‘What A Wonderful World’. Going down the Eva Green route this is sweet and classy and most importantly 100% in tune. It is a staging that proves once and for all that she really can sing when she isn’t distracted by daft choreography. Out of all the people on the show this year, she has perhaps been the poorest served by the annoying insistence on making everything into a performance.

Round two is her celebrity duet which sees her paired with a returning Michael Buble on ‘Feeling Good’. This mixing of the sexes makes for an odd pairing, but at the end of the day it fits the song, even if this is hardly a collision of superstars like the Alexandra/Beyonce vocal duel that stole the show last year. Nothing like that is set to happen this time I suspect. Funnily enough she appears to be more in tune than her star guest is, or maybe it was just that the key was wrong for him.

The third song of the night is, as is traditional, a reprise of what everyone things is their best song from the earlier rounds. Hence she gets to break out ‘Who Wants To Live Forever’ which was indeed one of the show stealers. A good safe choice although you cannot escape the feeling that tonight her performance was a little off compared to last time, and most crucially compared to the first two that she song. In any event, tonight she has given the best account of herself for some weeks. I just hope it isn’t too late to swing a public that may have already made up their minds.

Number 2 on the running order is Olly who you kind of feel sorry for, having fallen between the sticks, being as he is neither female nor young and pretty. You bet he is going to give it a go though. HIs audition song was ‘Superstition’ and following speculation in the press I am pleased to confirm that the presence of tight trousers is minimal. A shame, as Olly’s Trolleys could have been quite the selling point. I’m not convinced by him here. Whilst on paper it feels like the perfect song for him to be singing, the staging just isn’t quite – well, him. It would be remiss not to note the best bit of the staging which sees him singing lying on the floor whilst looking up the skirts of the dancers standing above him. Mila hopes that they have underwear on. I find myself hoping that they didn’t.

His second song is ‘Angels’ which does kind of mean that the unveiling of his celebrity mate is something of an anticlimax. Yes, it is indeed Robbie Williams who is hopefully on slightly less drugs than he appeared to be a few weeks ago. This was incredibly rough. Olly was poor and tuneless and as the song progressed there was a growing feeling that he was ballsing it up totally. His salvation came when Robbie walked on stage and promptly missed his cue in the song and struggled to recover thereafter. Still, both men being awful did not make for entertaining viewing and by the end it is something of a relief when the song finishes. Incidentally what does it say when the supposed professional performer is wearing ear monitors and the amateur contestant doesn’t?

His final song is an odd choice as he reprises ‘A Fool In Love’ from week 2, notable at the time for being something that nobody recognised. Eight weeks on I’m not sure anyone really remembers it even now. Still, this was his best performance of the night and if he damaged his prospects with his first two songs, this was the one to rescue him from the mire.

Taking a suspiciously climactic role in proceedings is Joe. Now who remembers what it was he sang first time around? ‘Dance With My Father’ is the answer which seems bizarre on the face of it, given that it is the song of a mature and reflective man and hardly the kind of lyric you would hand to a teenager. This was only OK, a little flat in places, but he sings with a passion and a confidence that does indeed befit his status as the anointed one. I’ve ignored the judges so far as during the final they can do litle more than lavish praise, but it is still fun to note that when Dannii gushes that he is an adorable young man he somehow comes across sounding like a patronising Grandmother. You never got that with Sharon Osbourne.

His celebrity song is ‘Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me’ which raises a smile, given the press stories in the week that the producers were worried that his potential partner might have decided he had some urgent sleeping to do and not turned up, leaving them scouting for an alternate. What better way to cover yourself than to pick a song that was made famous by two different people. Nonetheless George Michael does indeed show up to compensate for his absence during his own theme week and embarks on the duet with enthusiasm. Still, either he is lowering himself to perform alongside this gimp or he does have a generous spirit which is normally kept hidden. Once more, the fact that this isn’t actually George’s song appears to be glossed over.

Joe’s third song goes some way to explaining why this is as he breaks out ‘Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word’ from a couple of weeks ago. For those keeping track he has indeed now sung two Elton John songs tonight, a lack of imagination that is second only to JLS last year and their Westlife fixation. Once more he is soulful and heartfelt, but analysis of his singing tonight is moot. Of course he is easily through to the final. The only fear is what happens if his voice breaks between now and Sunday night.

We’ve not been rude about Cheryl Cole for weeks, so tonight’s show provided a chance to keep a tally of her idiosyncracies. Hence her “tearing up every time she talks to Joe” count was 2. and her “arriving back on the set late from her fag break during the commercials” count ran to EVERY BLOODY TIME. I could swear that by the end the director was deliberately opening each part of the show with a shot of the judges table just so the nation could catch her sprinting back into position.

With the show split over two nights, there has to be a small twist in the format of the final and indeed after a short interlude to allow Robbie to mess up his second song of the night, we lock the voting and eliminate the bronze medallist. It would have been daft to save this for the results show and have whoever it was show up for 30 seconds and then go home again I guess.

She may have saved her best for last and even the most casual observer could hardly fail to have ranked her as one of the more deserving performers of the evening, but the sad truth is that Stacey Soloman falls at the final hurdle and thus the nation is deprived of any more of her entertaining yet ever more comical excited babbling. So long Doris, you have been enormous fun.

That leaves the stage set for the final showdown. According to the TV schedules, ITV1 have blocked two hours for a process that really should take just ten minutes, even including the two remaining boys taking it in turns to sing the winners song. Thank goodness I’m working and get to watch it on tape on Monday night…

Dec 07

X Factor 2009 – Week 9 (Results)

“When four become three” sang the Spice Girls once upon a time in what I am told was one of the earlier drafts of their biggest hits. No matter which way you spin this, the elimination at the end of this show will be neither a shock nor obvious – and whoever it is who goes will simply be overshadowed by the hype that will follow for the final three. You have to feel just a little bit sorry for them. They were good, but just not quite good enough to be there to the end.

Before we get underway, confirmation that the winning song has finally been selected and will strangely be ‘The Climb’ as performed by Miley Cyrus just a few months ago. Whilst the single was hardly a huge mainstream hit, it still seems a little odd to be handing the winner a track that has already been a chart hit so far this year. Heck, even ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ would have been a more interesting choice. Funny to note though that even after Leona scored so big with ‘A Moment Like This’, the X Factor has resisted the temptation to further recycle old Idol victory songs. Or maybe they have ‘This Is My Now’ or ‘No Boundaries’ in reserve for another occasion, who knows?

A confession here, I’m watching this one on tape as well so have a pretty good excuse to fast forward through the group performance. Let’s be honest, this has been the laziest and most insulting use of five minutes of prime time television of the year. Drop it for next time around, we the nation beg of you.

Rattling through the guest stars, and Lady Gaga as gloriously ridiculous as ever. You can just feel the complaints rolling in as she gleefully intones “I’m a Free Bitch Baby” live on national television. Of all the performances they could have recorded, they chose to do this one life. Still, the best part is that Dermoto then has to interview her while she is still lying in the gigantic bath she used as a prop. “I robbed Simon” she explains when it is asked where she got it from. Plenty of others have also noted the irony of her wearing golden horns and telling the contestants to “be themselves” with a perfectly straight face.

Next is Janet Jackson or MyBrotherIsDead as I guess we have to call her. She appears to be borrowing the Alicia Keys trick from last week and does ‘All For You’ which only after two or three minutes finally turns into a quick romp through new single ‘Make Me’. To recap then, she has just performed an 8 year old song to remind us who she is and why we should buy her new record. Even Mariah wasn’t this weird. Better yet there is no interview or chat with her at all, making me wonder just when this was all taped. Janet literally shuffles on, does her song and shuffles off again – or “doing a Flo Rida” as it is commonly termed in X Factor land.

See Week 1 if that joke went over your heard.

Onto the results and once again with just three names to read out it is hard to do tension. As is traditional at this point we get to drop the rude nicknames so for the first time I can note that Olly shows the first bit of genuine emotion of the series as he is announced as being through first and promptly bursts into tears.

The result the entire nation has been begging for since the demise of the twins finally arrives as the man deemed not quite good enough is Ars.. I mean Danyl who is magnanimous and dignified to the end but I’m sure is still eating shit inside. After having the world lining up to kiss his arse and telling him he was the nailed on winner at the start, he did himself so much damage with overconfidence that it was really just a case of when, not if, he finally was eliminated. Even so, if you see him smouldering out of the front cover of an album next autumn then don’t say you weren’t warned.

Incidentally, for a laugh go watch the first segment of the night again and the chat with the judges. During this segment Louis notes that he watched the Saturday show back and Danyl was incredible. This is why he is the only one with no contestants left in the final.