James Masterton

So after all the early midweek hype, the much vaunted Ugly Rumours single “War” finally limped into the singles chart at Number 21. As I said in the Yahoo commentary, this can be put down to the single selling in good numbers to interested parties at the start of the week and then shifting something in the order of none and bugger all for the rest of the week.

In one of those weird moments of synchronicity that life throws up from time to time, Sunday evening saw me go straight from posting the column online to going into work to produce the programme for the man who had been spending his week hyping the single to death – George Galloway.

Needless to say he had an opinion on the subject and insisted that the failure of the record to live up to its initial promise was down to a) a conspiracy by the BBC to prevent any news items on the record being broadcast and b) sales of the track being removed from the reckoning because people were, and I quote, “buying multiple copies to give to friends.”

On the first point I couldn’t really comment, suffice it to say that the lack of media attention beyond the initial excitement on Tuesday was probably due to people realising that this was a genuine flash in the pan and something that was unlikely to be reflected when the final week tally came in.

As for his second point, I’m going to have to say that this too is unlikely. As has been demonstrated many times in the past, records that have fallen foul of chart hyping rules because of suspicious numbers of multiple purchases don’t simply have half their sales discounted, they are removed completely. A breach of regulations is a disqualification, not a demotion. George was also happily arguing last night that multiple purchases are overlooked for charity singles, but I’m not sure that his protestations that the records aim of raising money for the Stop The War nutters counted as a charitable cause.

Just to prove that there are no limits to the way the imagination of some people will run away with them, we were even getting calls and texts from people saying “I looked on the official site and the song isn’t even listed as a chart entry – they are all against us” until it was pointed out that at the time the OCC website hadn’t been updated and was still displaying last weeks chart.

Still if nothing else he and his friends can now sympathise with everyone who has ever released a lovingly crafted single with high hopes, only to find that the opinions of the masses don’t tally with their own. There may well be people who didn’t buy the single because of the political link. Most I suspect ignored it for the plain and simple reason that it wasn’t much cop in the first place. Although George did look a treat in his policeman’s outfit in the video.

This could be fun. It has been a very long time since I’ve had an opinion on a record that will fly so dramatically in the face of those who like it and have bought it. This weekend I get the feeling I’m going to wind so many people up it just isn’t funny.

The single in questions is the idiotic Ugly Rumours single which is likely to be hovering around the Top 10 midweek thanks to a flurry of downloads from people who believe it represents their solidarity with the increasingly hysterical and continuingly irrelevant anti-war brigade. This is really where the problem lies.

I have never been a fan of attempts to mix music with politics, or to use a pop record as a way of promoting an “issue”. What it does is dilute the artistry involved in making the music and distorts how we are supposed to perceive the song in question. If I am buying a piece of music so totally allied to a political cause, what message am I sending out? Is it because I like the song and the performance, or because I happen to agree with the views of the people making it.

Furthermore, what happens if the two don’t agree? What do you do if you like the music but disagree with the politics? Or agree with the politics but can’t stand the record? To me that is a seriously messed up situation and leads me then to wonder just what motivation people have for buying the single. Earlier this week I helped produce George Galloway doing a stand-in slot on the radio. He used the time to extensively talk about the single and encouraged people to buy it to show support for his anti-war views. Doesn’t that suggest that there will be people picking up the song simply because they think it will validate their political feelings or worse still, because they have been told to by a loudmouthed MP. I don’t like that, it has nothing to do with music or artistry and everything to do with making cheap political points. To me the two are mutually inconcluslive.

Comedians and satirists quite rightly take the mickey out of the hackneyed cliches of people saying “I’m not a racist, I own lots of Stevie Wonder records” or “I’m no homophobe, I love George Michael”, yet the message that is being sent out this week is that you can proudly say “I’m no fan of Bush or Blair, I own a copy of “War” by Ugly Rumours”. It isn’t as if a political record has ever changed things either. Certain leftie acquaintances of mine speak with a dewey eyed nostalgia about the important messages (as they saw them) of singles such as “Stand Down Margaret” by The Beat (1980) or “Celebrate (The Day After You)” by the Blow Monkeys (1987) ignoring the fact that they were either minor hits or total flops, and not even all that good to boot. Therein lies the other point of course, it is not as if “War” is anything really to admire musically, a karaoke standard cover of an old 60s song performed by a band who are “hilariously” named after Tony Blair’s old student rock band. Truly my sides have split.

So we’ll see what kind of mood I am come the weekend. The best bit about it is that I’ll spend Sunday afternoon pouring excrement over his favourite record and then spend the evening being the hands on producer for George Galloway on the radio during which time he will invitably bang on about how wonderful it is. The song that is, not my writing. I’ll avoid showing him that one.

Let’s round off with a blast from the past and a piece from the archives. I won’t bother recycling the Diana rant from 97 despite it prompting amazed mails from people happy I’d had the balls to lay into the Elton John single which at the time seemed to be beyond criticism. Instead this was from December 96 and the writeup for the Dunblane charity cover version of “Knocking On Heaven’s Door” which I felt uncomfortable with for pretty much the same reasons. Changing the lyrics to include a “throw your guns away” meant it was impossible to enjoy the record if you hated the politics behind it. Back in those days I was a little more timid…

On the morning of March 13th this year Thomas Hamilton marched into the gym at the local primary school in the small Scottish town of Dunblane armed with two shotguns. 16 children, all aged between 5 and 6 were gunned down along with their teacher before the madman turned his guns on himself. It was an outrage which stunned the entire world and whose shockwaves still echo round the hearts and minds of virtually everyone. As the families prepare for their first Christmas since the tragedy this single has been released in memory of those who died. It is the brainchild of musicians from the town itself who were determined to make a tribute in song. Together with several celebrity contributors they recorded a heartfelt version of the old Bob Dylan classic and are joined in the chorus by a choir of Dunblane children, including some who are the brothers and sisters of those murdered, to a quite moving effect. Without a shadow of a doubt a Number One smash and it deservedly achieves that placing – yet not without a small hint of controversy on the side.

What has in the minds of some observers soured the tone of the single is the message that is behind it. Uniquely, with the permission of Dylan himself the second verse of the song has been completely rewritten and now refers to the tragedy and carries with it a plea for all guns to be destroyed. This has been the year-long message of the Dunblane Snowdrop campaign, led by the parents of the murdered children which argues that the only way to prevent such a tragedy from ever occurring again is to ban the private ownership of all handguns, such as those which Hamilton used to carry out his atrocity. For the first time ever a charity pop record is thus inexorably linked to a political campaign and at that one which for all its worthiness has yet to carry the full weight of public opinion. As a direct result of this, although the single has sold copiously to a great many people, there are equally those who have felt unable to justify a purchase and thus imply their support for the cause and it is a sad but true fact that the impact of the single and its potential sale has almost certainly suffered because of this.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the track, few would argue that it is a worthy contender to be Christmas Number One next week. The Dunblane single has not featured in the annual betting race at all, bookmakers declining to try to profit out of such a tragedy – as a result all bets will be honoured for the disc at Number 2, should this single be ruling the roost on Christmas Day. Its main challenge will come from the Spice Girls. Their new ballad ’2 Become 1′ should have been released last week but was delayed (in common with many others) to give the Dunblane record a shot at the top. As it turns out this could also have been quite a shrewd move, as the way is now clear for them to have their third chart-topper of the year and also become the first ever Christmas Number One to enter the chart at the top in Christmas week itself.

The writeup came after I’d gone to my editor and asked for advice on how to address the issue without inadvertently attracting a storm in the direction of the fledgling dotmusic site. Hence the slightly tentative nature of it all. It still provoked an angry email from a woman involved with the campaign complaining that I’d confused politics with “a campaign for the right to life”.

Now you know how to spell my name. You did after all have to enter it as the url for this site. Even if you came here via a link, my name is up there in big letters at the top of the page.

Despite this, there are plenty of people who don’t and for some reason appear to insist on using a weird alternative spelling when discussing me. As a result I sometimes miss out on some of the more entertaining discussions that result from the things I write, simply because I don’t know how to search for them properly. Thanks to a search hit that showed up on this site though, I came across the following exchange of views the other day. It may have been several months ago but it still managed to make my entire week.

Check out if you will, this archived piece from The Pet Shop Boys Community

The discussion in question centres around a cut and paste of my writeup of their last Top 40 hit ‘Minimal’. The thread starter “kimphilby” gets my name wrong and summarisies the piece thus:

“The guy’s a bitchy queen.”

Not sure what they are implying there. I’m not at all bitchy.

The discussion rages on with some agreeing with what I write and some taking it as a monstrous slur on the talents of their idols (a common theme across message boards devoted to a particular act).

Then comes the good part, for there are no less than two consecutive comments from a user who purports to be, and given her musical and personal tastes probably genuinely is, Janet Street-Porter. Her summation of my writing ranks as the greatest piece of advice I’ve ever been given.

It’s not particularly interesting either – I can’t believe that bloke sits there writing a critique of chart entries every week. Call yourself a journalist? Get thee to Lebanon and report on something important, you gimp.

In response I’d make just three points:

1. Neither can I.
2. Not sure I do.
3. I nearly did go to Lebanon once thanks to a correspondence with a girl from Beirut in 2001 but it never went anywhere. I’m not sure how germane it would be to my work as a self-opinionated tosser unless I was perhaps researching Mika’s family tree. Thanks for the suggestion anyhow.

So I’ve been insulted by Janet Street-Porter. I used to work for Kelvin Mackenzie. He would have been incredibly proud of me. 

So with the awards themselves just two days away, the “first round” of the Best British Single voting has been completed, leaving just five singles left for a live vote on Wednesday night.

I’m delighted to see that to a certain extent common sense has prevailed. The suggestion that “A Moment Like This” was somehow a contender as one of the best singles made by British artists in the last 12 months was almost as offensive as it was laughable. Fortunately that prospect has now gone out the window as Leona Lewis was eliminated. So too Lily Allen and James Morrison, which is more of a surprise, especially when you consider the singles that remain in their place.

For the record then, the vote for Best British Single will be between the following tracks:

Fill My Little World – The Feeling

Not going to win. Never Be Lonely would possibly have stood a chance but I’m sorry, this one really is nothing special at all.

Take That – Patience

Almost certainly the winner. As I said last month, you should celebrate this single not so much for the way it sounds but what it represents. A comeback from a faded pop act that was motivated as much by genuine affection as it was by nostalgia and the desire for one last payday. The rehabilitation of Gary Barlow as a songwriter was long overdue, and if he gets a gong for the first successful song he has written in a decade it will be no bad thing.

Razorlight – America

Meh. It still doesn’t excite me. Razorlight should be feted for selling thousands of albums anyway, what do they need with a gong for a single?

Snow Patrol – Chasing Cars

Now if this award was being voted for by the industry rather than the public it would walk away with it. This after all was the song that proved it isn’t just Coldplay who can crack America. From a popular point of view it is also to be celebrated as the song which defied attempts by the label to suppress it and move on, charging back into the Top 10 the minute it was allowed to chart again under the new chart rules. It is now so ubiquitous it is starting to piss people off and in truth it will crumble against the Take That juggernaut, but stick a vote in for it anyway. You know it makes sense.

Will Young – All Time Love

Popjustice have already pointed out to some amusement that the official press release of the final five couldn’t even get the name of the song right. I’m still amazed that this is in here at all, never mind that it survived the first round of voting. It won’t win but the fact that it has made it this far proves that Will Young still has fans and thus still has a market waiting for him. When he comes out with a new album it will be well worth waiting for.

So there you go, my colours nailed firmly to this mast. Check back here on Wednesday night for the obligatory egg on face moment when The Feeling or Razorlight walk off with the award. Remember the title of this blog after all.